The Unified Theory of Human Prime Numbers
The other night, my friends and I were in a discussion in which we found occasion to anthropomorphize numbers (we'd just finished banging a bunch of hot chicks). During that discussion, I came up with what could be the most important theory regarding human nature and the nature of applied mathematics civilized man has ever known. I figure this is the best (i.e. only) forum for me to post my idea.
We were talking about how, pound-for-pound, “24” is the biggest slutty whore of a number. I mean, seriously, think about it, 24 gets divided A LOT.
At any given time, 24 can take it from 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12 AND itself (all numbers are essentially hermaphrodites).
Now, 60’s also pretty bad. Being divided by 2, 3, 6, 10, 12, 15, 20, 30 and itself on a nightly basis has certainly soured its reputation. But 60’s also kinda getting up there, as far as numbers go, and 24 is just much more attractive and fun to divide.
We were pretty drunk.
Anyway, from there, I began to think not of numbers as people, and the humorous implications of that, but rather of people as numbers, and the profound implications of that. Having been discussing the relatively easy division of certain numbers, my mind, in making this twist, and also being a mechanism that favors thought in opposites, also began to think about numbers that are not easily divided at all.
Thus, I developed the Unified Theory of Human Prime Numbers.
Here’s how it works: We all know certain people who are just extremely themselves. They’re different. Unique. Original. It’s kinda like if you were trying to describe them to an oblivious third party, there'd be nobody you could think of that you could ever compare them to. They are who they are. It’s impossible to divide from them a particular personality trait that you can recognize as being attributed to someone else. They are, essentially, divisible only unto themselves.
They are prime numbers.
Prime numbers come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, codes, creeds and colors. There is no telling when one will pop up. The funny thing about them, however, is that none of them is really like another. Just like prime numbers. Sure, the great majority of them are “odd” but it’s not the kind of odd that makes you uncomfortable. Not the kind of odd that would inherently make you scared if they were sitting next to you on the subway (though there are ones who would certainly do that to you).
It’s just that they have very little in common with the rest of the numbers in the human kingdom.
And it’s not like they’re all that rare. Just like number prime numbers, there is usually at least one human prime number in any ten people. It’s as if there is a direct correlation between number theory and human nature.
From there, my friends and I also began discussing the regrettable trend that “hot chicks” tend to go for easily divisible guys. Frat guys. Football players. Cocky pricks whose confidence comes only from the fact that they were born attractive (an unearned, and therefore invalid source of confidence). Incredibly un-prime people.
Or, as I like to call them, “Kiefer Sutherlands.”
Real 24s.
